1. After your dog does his duty in the backyard, you shriek, "Clean
up!!!" to no one in particular. The neighbors begin to talk.
2. After checking your mailbox for the day's mail, you mindlessly wrap
a post card around your arm and secure it with a rubber band. You feel
funny if your arm doesn't feel like it's in a tourniquet. You feel even
funnier after realizing that for several hours, you've been wearing a post
card announcing that your Viagra order is in.
3. While shaking powdered sugar over your french toast, you suddenly
and inexplicably shake enough powder to turn the air white. An odd calm
comes over you now that you feel like you're in the middle of a grooming
area.
4. You flawlessly perform a "T" pattern, perhaps the best one of
your handling life. Done at the grocery store while handling a buggy, you
simply forgot yourself when you saw those floor mats put down to protect
against a wet floor. The produce man, sorting the cucumbers, will never
forget you.
5. You find yourself awkwardly changing clothes while hovering
precariously over the toilet in your own house even though an additional
1800 square feet of living space is just outside the bathroom door.
6. You accost strange men and women who are dressed nicely and wearing
any sort of official looking badge. Police are called in when you insist
that a bank teller tell you what it is he didn't like about your dog.
7. You ask a pharmacist when Group Order will be posted. She calls
security.
8. Before leaving to get popcorn, you set orange traffic cones around your
theater seat to ensure that it's still there for you when you come back.
9. A friend stops to admire your new van and you quickly run to the
other side of the car so as not to be standing between your friend and the
ar.
10. Before you can stop yourself, you ask the Avon saleswoman if the
makeup she's trying to sell you will help with food stains around the
mouth.
11. When introduced to your neighbor's young nieces and nephews, your
hand unconsciously goes to your hip pocket so you can offer them some
bait.
12. When you hear the good news that your sister is pregnant, you ask
her "when is your whelping date"?
Susi Szeremy
